then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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