Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
