Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
