you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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