You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
