i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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