john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
