On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
