my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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