The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I need to stop coming to work sober
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
