I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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