fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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