Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
