also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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