The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
