We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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