What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
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He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
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It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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