My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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