apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
