you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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