I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
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The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
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My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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