It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
