honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
