dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
