Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We had to coat check the pizza.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
