it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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