i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
