That's intense
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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