I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
