Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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