Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We had sex on a dog bed..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
