I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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