Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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