Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
