She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
