The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
