Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
