Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize