Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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