Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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