Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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