I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
