The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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