Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
