the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Your cock deserves a montage
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
