you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
