the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
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He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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