I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize