He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
