I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
