Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
