i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
